Musical Chairs

I have a piece elsewhere called TERFs and White Women. A predecessor to that piece by some substantial period of time -- months or years, not hours or days -- was a discussion on Twitter where a trans individual said they were willing to engage someone in good faith on the topic of TERFs and, no, not really. It was an ugly beat down where multiple people wanted my head on a platter.

I'm not trying to defend TERFs. But cis women have a side to this too and on Hacker News, an overwhelmingly male forum that's extremely influential, I know for a fact MtF trans individuals fare better there than cis women and Genevieve was in with the right people and intentionally burned me under circumstances where I couldn't really defend myself.

I have this metaphor I use about a lot of so-called Social Justice Warriors are really playing a game similar to musical chairs but with "Who gets to be the designated TOILET we all crap all over?"

I'm not for that paradigm and I was intentionally victimized by Genevieve in a way that makes me understand why some women feel women's rights are best served by excluding trans individuals.

I'm NOT a feminist AT ALL, so I'm not defending that approach. I am saying that the challenges I face in trying to make my life work are different from the challenges faced by AMAB or MTF trans individuals and intentionally SHAFTING women like me earns you no friends and helps fuel this conflagration.

A lot of groups unapologetically want to make upper class White men the new designated toilet and call that "justice." That's all kinds of problematic.

For starters, shafting them in no way guarantees that SOMEHOW magically gets you what you need. 

Jack -- the self-made millionaire caught in the middle here -- is someone I went out of my way to protect because I was clear that if I tried to suggest he's a sexist pig and he's my big problem on Hacker News, other people would have harmed him, patted themselves on the back as good people and continued stepping over my body in the gutter.

It would have done nothing to help me sort out how to pay my bills.

Another big problem is that you unnecessarily make enemies and alienate potential allies and close doors when you promote hurting people instead of promote meaningful and reasonable solutions to your problems.

The bathroom debate gets generally approached like cis women don't have reasonable concerns of their own and the ONLY thing anyone should care about is trans rights. I think a better solution is to try to get more individual ungendered public bathrooms available instead of dismissing the concerns of cis women.

I wasn't trying to hurt anyone on Twitter. I was feeling like I absolutely couldn't breathe and was going to explode and had no one to talk to about this half baked idea that "Given what Genevieve did to me with malice aforethought, I think I know why TERFs exist." 

And I took a total stranger at their word that they were willing to discuss it if you thought TERFs had any kind of legitimate point. And I think they kind of do, though I absolutely don't agree with their position.

Genevieve burned me and I want nothing more to do with her. Please don't think I'm required to put up with intentionally abusive behavior to be a trans ally.

That's not what ally means.

I'm not even really comfortable calling myself a trans ally. I'm a human being who thinks certain issues need better solutions and those solutions won't come from deciding who to shaft.

They will come from trying to find answers that don't shaft anyone in the process of trying to find solutions for people currently in dire straits.

It's not a zero sum game where there's only so much to go around and someone has to draw the short straw.